Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize