My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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