Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
