i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We have so much sex to catch up on
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
