Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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