I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
