the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
