I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Best friends brother. Beat that.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
