When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
