just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
