this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
