I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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