I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
