Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
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