I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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