I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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