I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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