New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
