when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
