Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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