you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
