we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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