I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
