wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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