Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
