this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize