I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
