No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
