at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my shit smells like andre
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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