It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
