his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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