Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
