When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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