i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
