friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
