Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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