I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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