How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
