what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
i now understand why vodka
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
