what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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