I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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