I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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