My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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