I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
