I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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