Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
