Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
