wanna go halves on a baby?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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