We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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