Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
