someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
