You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
