i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
