You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That accounts for only three of the penises
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
