As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Sober January is a disaster.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
