It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
