Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
