I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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