I heard we made out
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
