You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
