I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
