how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
wow bdsm is so cute
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
