Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
